03 June 2009

Just thoughts

I had a dream where I met an alternate-reality female version of myself. She had died her hair black with some colored streaks (I think pink). She lived in the basement of the house I'm living in now, stepping out periodically to smoke cigarettes.

I asked her about several projects I felt very enthusiastic about. I don't remember exactly what these projects were, but they were extremely important to me. She didn't know what I was talking about.

I got pissed off: she looked pretty good (meaning she had my metabolism) and was of a liberal persuasion in Utah Valley, which I figure is analogous to being a tanned, single man with a mustache in rural Australia as far as being in-demand. She didn't do anything but live this sort of self-hating narcissistic binge while her looks lasted. I lectured her angrily, that stupid junkie.

At first, this dream seemed insightful into how life would be if I was desirable and what aspects of myself I value would be lost. Now, as I think about it more, I think about how angry I was. I had such high hopes for my potential, and she was wasting it. Yet, the way I criticized her only made the situation worse. And the way I talked to her is much like my usual inner authoritative and perfectionist voice, the constant critic and bemoaner of my ignoble and weak and failed aspects.

The authoritative inner voice with its cutting destructive logic isn't helpful. There is something that aspires to transcend, but it is lost coming through so harshly.

Why aren't I successful? Why am I bored? Why can't I be happy with what I have? Why is nothing ever good enough? It's all my fault -- but why do I care about all those things? I think there is something to it, but it's getting bent out of shape.

Inner dialog is important. I have to treat myself with respect. I think it's possible to be abusive to myself: out of boredom, or out of fear, or disappointment. It's just words, just thoughts, but it makes a difference.


gustavolk-swagen said...

I couldn't agree more that thoughts affect EVERYTHING, on a personal level. A friend of mine recommended that I read "Beyond Negative Thinking" by Martorano et al. I'll let you know what I find out. It's written by two M.D.s regarding cognitive therapy

Dave said...

Thanks for your comments! Please tell me what you think of that book. I'll keep it in mind for future reading.

I am very interested in how thoughts affect things -- there's the New Age extremity of this idea, and then there's the more feasible and practical and easily evident aspects that I have found valuable in my life.

It makes me think of this article I recently read, by Philip K. Dick; he says, "Because today we live in a society in which spurious realities are manufactured by the media, by governments, by big corporations, by religious groups, political groups—and the electronic hardware exists by which to deliver these pseudo-worlds right into the heads of the reader, the viewer, the listener."

I like to think about the nature of reality, and there's no escaping the question of just how much reality affects or is affected by thoughts.