20 May 2011

(SATIRE) Apocolyptian-Aquarian: The sensible person's horoscope for May 2011


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Each reading is carefully calculated, divined, and extracted from its ancient source by a world-renowned team of hermetic druids, equestrian mediums, Rosicrucian witches, and basque voodoo priests. From there, the readings are carefully vacuum-sealed in lead-shielded envelopes, packed in purifying rose quartz crystals, and transported thousands of miles by Spec-Overland Parcel Service operators to clandestine multilingual labs. Here, the priceless messages are translated from the original hieroglyphic, Olmec, and Linear B by a corps of dedicated specialists into modern English. Finally, to share these transcendent communiques with the world, rather than simply "posting" the results of countless hours and painstaking precision to the Internet, each message is specially transformed one last time by the techpriests of the Most Ancient Ontario Tradition into refined, 100% binary. This preserves the sacred power of the words and brings them freshly imbued with a pure white energy that is sure to resonate with your soul!

Your Horocope for May 2011:

Bot fly larvae cause headache surely. Something may happen to you or someone you may know. Courage is needed. The time for reconciliation with a loved one can wait. The fortune cookie lied. Make room for love and love will make room for you. A heavy burden will be eased with time and plenty of fiber. If you let your body go it will come back to haunt you. Angels are watching over you. The odds are 10:1.

6 comments:

Peter McCombs said...

Equestrian mediums?

Dave said...

That's correct. We have a most revered Przewalski's Horse that channels Huitzilopochtli ;)

Peter McCombs said...

That's a cool graphic too.

Edward T. Babinski said...

Hi Dave, Ed here. Thanks for reading my blog. Always enjoy hearing from you. Your horoscope blog entry was brilliant, especially the denouement. Is it original?

I don't compose blog posts often, so you might like my facebook page even more, especially past entries and notes. Edward T. Babinski

Edward T. Babinski said...

Adding to what I wrote above, your post reminded me of pieces by the Discordian Society, Robert Anton Wilson, The Sub-Genius Foundation, all the way to the FSM.

I also use google reader and could suggest other blogs you might find interesting, or we could trade lists. I'm always curious what's "out there" in the "cyberverse."

Dave said...

I made the graphic for my portfolio (gotta have the logo examples).

Thank you for your comments.

@Edward: Yes, the horoscope is original. Every once in a while I get in a mood for satire, and I'm considering channeling the "Apocolyptian-Aquarian" every once in a while for fun. I haven't read the pieces you've mentioned, but I'll look into them. I'll also look for your Facebook page.

As far as other blogs go, I'm not very widely-read. My friend Gus referred me to your blog, as he was right in thinking I would enjoy it. Otherwise, I read familial blogs, which I must say somewhat incorrectly suggests I read them out of duty. I like my brother Peter's blog (Surviving Phalaris) the most, because I'm into philosophy (and the "What is True, What is Good" essay was particularly excellent), but there's my sister's anthropological-tinted analysis of culture and food in her blog, and my sister-in-law's blog ... There's really no middle ground between saying I only read family and friends, and making a plug and saying I'd read their blogs even if I didn't know them -- the point being they currently satisfy my blog diet. On the other hand, I am curious what other blogs you might recommend. :)