18 January 2014

(SATIRE) Apocolyptian-Aquarian: The sensible person's horoscope for February 2014

Just as foretold by the Apocolyptian-Aquarian, we witnessed the birth of a new Aeon in 2012! We know those of you whom have ascended and whom have opened your third eye see these remarkable events continue to unfold each and every day. We encourage you to remain strong, although your souls may be filled with sorrowful energies in seeing so many cynics, their eyes closed, unable to see this glorious new Aeon. You are called to be a teacher and a guide to these doubting souls -- just as we at the Apocolyptian-Aquarian have been called to this time and reality to teach and guide you with wisdom imparted by the Transcended Masters to us through the ancient mystery traditions.

Our fellow travelers: Remain true and Believe! Remember the affirmation* that we have shared with you! Remember the very words that were once spoken, in perfect belief, to literally move mountains! Remember that ultimate refining of The Law of Attraction -- remember those words that were revealed only one letter every hundred years, and that only in 2012 was the Timeless wisdom gathered together and finalized with an exclamation mark that sounded from the trump of the Archangel Gabriel and shook those of us gathered in divine commune at the Apocolyptian-Aquarian 2012 Retreat and Workshop in pristine Cancun to our knees! Recall to yourselves that final revelation as it resounded into the heavens and rent them apart to reveal Penultimate Truth!


In 2011, in an historical event that shocked the world, the Apocolyptian-Aquarian brought to you the never-before-seen predictions of the Clan of the Chauvet Woolly Cave Rhino. So many of our readers were stunned by their horoscope and wanted friends and family to share in this unprecedented spiritual bounty that we had to call upon the energies of fourteen tireless grand masters of dervish twirlomancy to sustain our bandwidth -- and yet more and more new readers were led by their spirit guides to our horoscope! Today, the divining methods of all the ancient mysteries that have descended from the first Atlantean druidic oracles, including those methods practiced by the Chauvet shamans, are at long last restored to us with the coming of the new Aeon! Your renowned authority on that oldest and greatest Art, that Art of Horoscopology, brings you the untainted and crystal-clear truth with more accuracy and enlightenment than has been revealed by horoscopists since Atlantis was lost beneath the waves! We know the message attuned to the energies of the new Aeon will resonate deeply with your soul and bring you one step further to your goal toward ascension, transcention, and finally into blissful transduction. Remember: It isn't deja-vu -- you read it on the Apocolyptian-Aquarian!

Your Horocope for February 2014:

Please renew your subscription to the Apocolyptian-Aquarian, by mail or online! Refer a friend to a yearly subscription plan and get 10% off the 2014 Tahiti Apocolyptian-Aquarian Retreat and Workshop! Got an iPad? An iPhone? Check out our exclusive new app only on the iTunes Store!

Use the following code to redeem 30% off a four-year subscription to the world's foremost horoscope, the Apocolyptian-Aquarian!


* (when used as directed, affirmations by the Apocolyptian-Aquarian have been proven in clinical trials to be as effective as the leading placebo)

1 comment:

Peter McCombs said...

Blissful transduction sounds good! Are funds utilized for the Retreat and Workshop sufficiently sacred to invoke a tax deduction?